I hate drama in my life. I love excitement, mystery, energy, discovery, but I hate fucking drama.
Drama has entered my life. I am trying to control the effect, any possible damage, but it is already taking up too much of my attention.
Over a decade ago someone who I considered to be a good friend, best friend even, ended our friendship abruptly by letter with a list of grievances and orders to never to try to contact her again. She was not the only one. Many of the people who I associated with at the time turned their back on me. Some stood with me and they remain my friends to this day.
I will say that I do not think I was entirely blameless, but some of her accusations were unfair and some blatantly not true. But I was left with no recourse. And these people themselves were no better, no worse, than I. We all had faults. We all had redeeming traits. But they determined that I was no longer worthy of their continued friendship.
It took me a very long time to move past this pain. I had to purge my house of everything that reminded me of them...photos, mementos, memories. Years later, they would pop in my head and I would have to order them away...go away, I’m tired
of you.
I think I finally understood what it was all about which only made me angry considering what I knew of their own behavior. But they rallied around someone in particular, a person of whom I had some damning knowledge, knowledge I had kept to myself. But that person knew and fanned the flames.
So now, all these years later, this person who cut me out of her life so abruptly and completely and painfully, has contacted me. She’s all newsy with no mention of the past. “Remember me?”, she asks. How could I possibly forget.
So what do I do with this? Where do I go with this? I want to be a better person to her than she was to me but I am wary of opening myself up. I have forgiven the past but I am not instantly trusting as I once was with her. I don’t know how much of myself I want to give. Or if I want to give any.
Her request for friendship hangs between us.
It's easy to accept friendship on facebook, real life is something different. The most logical answer may be "Don't!", but who am I to say so... But I dare say: "Don't hurry. Take your time before you decide. She owes you that much at least."
ReplyDeleteHi Ellen,
ReplyDeleteYou have to decide whether a relationship with her has any meaning for you anymore. Then keep it brutely honest and on your terms, if you do maintain a connection. You should feel no guilt cutting people loose if you know that they are no good for you.
I think you answered your questions when you said "I want to be a better person to her than she was to me but I am wary of opening myself up. I have forgiven the past but I am not instantly trusting as I once was with her." I think it would be perfectly ok whatever you decide to do as long as you remember your own words and continue to be true to yourself!
ReplyDeleteRemember that forgiving doesn't mean that you are obligated to allow someone back into your life. Her overture to you, unaccompanied by any show of remorse or consciousness of how the shards of the past may have wounded you, speaks volumes but not necessarily what she should have said. My guess is that if you opened yourself to seeing her again, the experience would be hollow for you. What we all wish for in these situations is to have the other person admit the error of his/her ways and tell us how devastated they've been without us in their lives. That rarely happens.
ReplyDeleteI think the question would be - do you want to be friends with her now, at this point in your life? Will she add to your life - or bring drama? Will you enjoy her friendship - or feel wary? Do you need her friendship? Or are actually happier without it?
ReplyDeleteGood luck. Hard questions and decision.
I had a similar thing happen, best friend of 18 years dumped me, no contact for seven years, then she calls like nothing happened. I was happy to have her back, though leary, and damn her, she did the same thing AGAIN. It's been another 7 years now and if she called and asked if we could get together again I'd say NO.....
ReplyDeleteThat is a hard question. I would be curious about the sudden contact and confront her with my curiosity. Her reaction would probably let you know whether the relationship would be worth the effort.
ReplyDeleteEveryone here has said such smart things. I love our blogfellows - they're all so smart!
ReplyDeleteThis same thing has happened to me more than once, though the worst occasion was in sixth grade. Wow that hurt.
If it were me, I would be asking myself, "If life were a dream, what would this symbolize?" At the time that this person made her grand exodus from your life, what else was being vanquished? What would she symbolize if life were a dream?
It would not be possible for me personally to trust her ever again but it's an interesting juncture in time/space. The past and present have somehow looped around and made contact. What is the world trying to show you?
Thank you, everyone, for your wise counsel. You have each contributed to the resolution of my feelings. I have thought about this all day. I let the first reactions subside and have tried to find and reconcile my real feelings.
ReplyDeleteMinkha, you gave me permission to not act in haste.
Butternut, you reminded me that I am in control.
Andrea, you showed me that I know the answer if I will just listen to myself.
Meri, you reminded me that we cannot go back, the past cannot be recovered.
Lover of Life, you have focused the chaos of feelings. All of the above helped me to answer the very specific questions that you posed.
Anonymous has warned me that there are vipers among us.
Kathy gave credence and support for my own curiosity.
And Reya pointed me to the deeper associations and an examination of my own core beliefs.
I thank you all. I am happy without her friendship and I don't need it, however, I think I will allow her into my sphere but will keep her on the perimeter for now. I will explore cautiously until my curiosity is satisfied. Then, I expect we will drift further apart because I am not willing to invest myself.
This was such a wise interchange, and your resolve sounds wise as well. While the one time this happened to me was years ago, I resonate with the pain you express. This sort of toxic friendship probably had many "hooks" that kept you connected in spite of the negativity that you sensed (the hidden secrets you didn't reveal to the person's supporters). It might pay off to get really conscious about those hooks now, so you can see them coming. Good to make your acquaintance! (I linked from a comment you posted on Minka's blog.)
ReplyDeleteThank you Mary Ellen (my aunt's name and for whom I was named). I am lucky to have such good counsel.
ReplyDeleteWelcome, I am glad to have you along.
Such supportive and wise words by each of your blogger friends. I arrived via Reya at "The Gold Puppy". I've had similar things occur with me in the past. It is always difficult to know what is the best route to follow; however, your instincts seem to be balanced and you seem to know yourself, so your "cautious" decision to "explore" is most likely right for you.
ReplyDeleteI certainly wish you well.