Today is grocery shop day and one of my nights to fix dinner and on top of that it's my turn to do the dishes when all I want to do is crawl back in bed. I don't feel like I've really woken up and was having weird dreams before I did, a series of weird vignettes which I suppose were connected in some way. I dreamed I was trying to wake up, was actually up and moving around but struggling to get my eyes open and when I did things were either so blurry I couldn't make anything out or it was a whiteout. I was in a room going through boxes of clothes trying to find something to wear. I wasn't at home but some other place, not a motel but maybe some sort of residence where there was some sort of gathering going on. Another scene I walked into a building or out of an elevator into a small room with only one other door. A man was in there and he gestured towards the door. I was going to a doctor appointment I think and I asked him if he knew the room number. No, he said, you'll have to call. I went through the door into a small landing with a very narrow set of stairs going down. Then I'm trying to find the number but I can't get to the calendar on my phone. Another scene I'm telling someone I'm going to my place at the table which I think is sitting on the table but when I get there I see there are two empty chairs so I sit in one. Another flash I'm struggling to walk/climb up a steep slope that others have already climbed.
Grief. This is something new to me. I've never really felt grief. Not when my grandmother died, well, maybe when she died but not like this, not when my aunts and uncles died or my father or mother. Real daily life is intruding and all I want to do is crawl in bed. It was easy to keep it at bay when family was here. Denise and Greg left Friday, Robin moved in to the house on Saturday keeping me distracted. But yesterday was, and today is, a little rough. I've been wearing Pam's long sleeved shirts I kept. The rest of her clothes that no one wanted are going to SHARE with m on Thursday.
I was ready to start going to yoga last night but Abby couldn't make it and I wasn't in any kind of mood to lead so class was canceled. This morning I did my home routine for the first time in over two weeks. I've been picking up and shelling pecans I get cracked. So far I've picked up 109 pounds not counting the full 1 gallon bucket's worth I picked up yesterday. So far I have almost 8 pounds of shelled nuts and have given away half of them to family and a neighbor who gives me honey from his hives and eggs from their chickens.
Well, I got the grocery shopping done and dishes washed and thank goodness I have enchiladas in the freezer from the last time I made them for dinner.
Damn. I updated my phone and now it and the desktop I'm not supposed to be using won't talk to each other anymore so I can't download pictures. I'm on my desktop to write this and publish it because using the phone is a pain in the butt. Maybe I can add a picture from my phone.
Sorry you're going through this grief process...and there's nothing from me that could really help, except to say how it is a necessary part of life...and one which does end eventually, in the time that you have your own healing. I was just watching part of Rosalyn Carter's ceremony with all these presidents and wives sitting in the front row. And there was 99 year old Jimmy Carter lying back in his wheelchair, perhaps able to discern what was happening. Each life is so precious. And we only have today. I have visions for tomorrow, and other tomorrows, but they are just visions.
ReplyDeleteGrief is different each time for each of us. It will get better, in waves.
ReplyDeleteHugs, go easy on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI have had those dreams where I cannot wake up fully. They are so frustrating. And frightening, too.
ReplyDeleteGrief is such a strange thing. Different for everyone but with similarities. And it can change its face in a moment, a day, to be another form of grief. Hang on, Ellen. And yes, please be kind to yourself. There may be days when it's impossible to go to the store, go about your usual routine. That's okay. Your very soul is wounded and it needs time and peace to heal.
Live through it with purpose because grief has purpose. I didn’t cry for months after our youngest sister died. When the dam broke I thought I’d die. I didn’t but was changed for sure. Be well. (Waving from Katy!)
ReplyDeleteMany people in my life have died, but grief has overwhelmed me only two times. Once for my brother, once for my young boarder. A young engineer at work took me aside and said you go to sleep every night thinking of him and so he's on your mind when you wake, But one night he won't be the last thing you think of and the first thing the next morning. That's how the overwhelming grief goes away. And grief for a close to your heart sibling is simply overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI am so sad you lost your sister. Having sisters I am close to, I have a hard time imagining how difficult it must be. My thoughts are with you!
ReplyDeleteOh Ellen, it's a hard journey. You can only take it one day at a time. I was overwhelmed with grief twice and what you describe rings true. All I can say is that eventually you figure out how to accommodate the grief into your life. It stays though but I think it must have a place, regardless.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to read this. It is a difficult time colliding with the change in the seasons and the holidays when people are busy and supposed to be happy! As my Blog says...one day at a time. Anderson Cooper begins a grief podcast today which you may (or may not) want to listen to. I know you are strong, but do not be afraid to lean on care if needed.
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard for you. When my mom died it was hard, but I lived in Ohio & she lived in NC, so I didn't miss the every day with her like you are with Pam. Hugs, thoughts, (and the prayers that we might or might not believe in)...
ReplyDeleteYou have had a huge loss, Ellen, so be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteYour sister may well have been your soulmate, your life's great love, one of them anyway. It's going to take time for the sharpness of your grief to abate, but you will never stop missing your sister.
ReplyDeleteSome time in the past, it occurred to me that grief ages, like a good wine. In the beginning, it may have an edge of bitterness, but in time it becomes smooth, and having a taste of the memories is pleasant rather than sad. It takes time, of course, but it will come.
ReplyDeleteGrief is different for everyone. Just go with the flow. I felt so lost when my sister died, still do at times. Still want to call her. It will get easier, I promise.
ReplyDelete