A week ago today I found my sister and just like that my life has changed irrevocably. Heartfelt thank yous to all who have expressed your love, sadness, and support. There is no way I could ever reply to each of you individually.
The first few days most of the family that gathered were still here, each of us supporting the other, while we dealt with the immediate tasks required after a death...contacting a funeral home and retrieving the body for cremation, acquiring the death certificates, reading the will, figuring out which of her bills were outstanding, getting access to her phone, etc. Her house reverts back to me and we have decided to just let everything sit for now although her kids, grandkids, me, my grandkids have tagged the things we would like to have, small things have already been taken. It's weird though to walk through the house and see little bits of blue tape with names written on it stuck on just about everything. We're going to keep the house as a furnished guest house for now since I don't have a spare room for when people visit. Her granddaughter who lives in Cincinnati wants 'the boys', Pam's two cats, but can't take them until next summer so my granddaughter Robin who lives here with her parents is going to move into the house in the interim and take care of them.
My sister was not religious and so there would not be a funeral or service or viewing but the family decided to have a life celebration for her on the following Friday at my house because it was bigger than Pam's house. While I had called everyone else to spread the word, Monday afternoon Denise and I went to Hesed House, a community resource center where my sister volunteered arranging the monthly EarthLab lectures, to tell the director, Stephanie, in person and she offered to hold it there on the back deck and pergola behind the Welcome Center which we accepted immediately since Pam was very involved with Hesed House and it is a beautiful space.
When we got there Friday afternoon they had set up tables and chairs, vases with garden flowers, tables for refreshments and one for a sort of altar with Pam's picture and flowers and bits and pieces of things that related to my sister's life. The weather was perfect. We had notified her friends that I had contact information for, the garden club of which Pam was a past president, the museum people where she worked two days a week, Stephanie sent out a notice to her mailing list and people came to honor and remember my sister. All the family that had been at the hospital returned plus her stepson from Virginia, her granddaughter from Cincinnati, and her brother from the PNW.
My daughter created and printed out a beautiful eulogy and remembrance.
Stephanie arranged for us to plant a tree in Pam's honor there on the grounds of Hesed House during the celebration. She gave the eulogy, she read what I had written out for me because there was no way I was going to be coherent, other people got up and spoke. We had a memory book for people to write in, something I've not had the courage to read yet.
It was beautiful and the hardest fucking day of my life.
Afterwards we all went out to dinner to celebrate her granddaughter Abby's birthday which was that day.
Seeing all the family together, still missing ten people, my brother and I marveled at how big the family has grown from the days when we could count us all on two hands and didn't need all the fingers.
That's a lovely tribute to Pam, and I count myself as one of her friends. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteA celebration of life with family is the best way to honor and remember the passage of a loved one. That eulogy was just beautiful.
ReplyDeleteLook at that beautiful family, gathered to remember and honor Pam, to support each other through the impossible sadness. Ellen, I know you have been strong because that's who you are. You've had to make decisions that no one would ever want to make and yet, you've done it. Grief is a different country, isn't it? And grief for a sister/closest friend, has to be one of the most difficult countries to traverse. Be gentle with yourself, please. Know that you are loved. I have been thinking of you constantly, wishing I could hug you and tell you with my own voice that I acknowledge your grief.
ReplyDeleteThat was such a nice tribute for your sister, so much more meaningful than a church service/sermon. My brother was living out of state when he died of Alzheimers, his body was taken away for science. One minute he was there, then he wasn't. Your sister's memorial was a beautiful closing ceremony for a life well lived.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a beautiful memorial. I am often amazed at how beautiful these things can be.
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful gathering of love for your much loved Pam. I read your words and tears fill my eyes. I have been thinking of you and your family and grieving with you even though we have never met and only know each other through these pages. The deep family love for your sister comes through every word you write. (NewRobin13)
ReplyDeleteIt's got to be so hard when someone dies abruptly -- vanishes without warning, basically. A shock to the system and to the structure of the family. I like your daughter's eulogy. I identified with the "gardener, not a farmer" comment! I'm glad your granddaughter will be able to watch the house and the cats.
ReplyDeleteThis is lovely, Ellen. Thanks for sharing your memories and family with us.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like it was a lovely memorial. I'm so sorry for your loss. Pam was so very loved it seems. ♥
ReplyDeletewhat a beautiful gathering to honor your sister's life well lived! *celebrations* can be so comforting, though still difficult. I have kept you all in my thoughts through these challenging times.....
ReplyDeleteSusan M/ Calif.
I was wondering what would happen to her "boys." I'm still so gobsmacked by this I can even imagine what you're going through. It sounds like you had a great celebration - and I'm glad you had it at Hesed House.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely family picture to scroll to. But missing Pam. She was so lovely. I am so sorry, still.
ReplyDeleteEllen, thank you so much for sharing this day, and these memories you made-- zwith us. Pam's spirit lives in you, and in all of those who loved her. I AM SO GLAD I commented on what was to be her last blog post. She was such a unique, fun person, and that's what I said to her. And. I hope YOU feel the love from your blog friends here. j Every one of us feels for you, and wishes we could be with you actually instead of through the internet. Please feel loved in the midst of your grief.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this wonderful loving ceremony honoring your sister. It truly speaks for your family circle.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what strength I drew on to give my sister's eulogy. Hardest thing I ever did and I have no fear of public speaking. I paused a lot and I cried, just letting the tears roll down my face. I kept looking out at friends and family and expecting to see her nod of approval to keep me going. I would call her phone just to hear the prompt for a message until it was turned off. Time will lessen the pain, but I doubt it will ever go completely away. My sister insisted that Mother visited her after she died. I have felt Mother's presence and my Daddy comes in my dreams, always a comforting presence. I am still waiting for my sister to arrive in a dream. My heart hurts for you. I am leaving to head south for the holiday and will end up at her son's house to play with those delicious babies. I know she would have been so deeply involved with them and I hope that I can fill that space for her grandchildren. That brings me comfort. Take i slow and give yourself time to grieve. I am sending hugs and good thoughts your way. her service sounds lovely.
ReplyDeleteAll of the tributes to your sister are wonderful, especially that tribute you posted here. A couple of things struck me. One is the size of your family. It's good that you have so many people to share memories with. The other was your mention of celebrating Abby's birthday. I had a friend whose grandfather died on his birthday many decades ago, and from that day on his mother refused to celebrate his birthday; the day always was given over to remembering and grieving over her dead father. It was the saddest thing ever. Ignoring the living because of the dead is a terrible thing -- that birthday celebration was a great affirmation of life.
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