I'm still waiting for SPOT to arrange to have the three 'feral' kittens fixed and sent to their new homes. I have feral in apostrophes because they aren't exactly feral, not completely tame but not completely feral either. They are very wary but I've been doing what I can to acclimate them to human touch. As reported earlier, I am able to stroke all three kittens while they eat. Sometimes just two or three times as long as I don't try to touch their heads before they back off except for the brown tabby. He lets me stroke him the most. When I go over to feed them in the evening about 4:30 they come running out and hiss at me. Saturday night before I put food in the dishes underneath the screened in porch I sat on the ground with a handful of food in my outstretched arm calling to the kittens. The gray tabby circled me continuously, would approach but never got up the courage. I held out the other hand with food as well and, being hungry, all three would sort of approach but then back off because I was watching them. So I averted my gaze and waited patiently and the brown tabby finally got up the courage to eat out of my hand and then the female that looks like Momcat came and ate out of the other hand which really surprised me because she has been the most skittish. The gray tabby that I thought would be the first never did. After most of the food was gone out of my hands I filled their dishes. So I did it again Sunday evening and last night. They were quicker to approach last night.
I spent most of the day Sunday and the morning yesterday getting my new computer set up and all the data transferred with constant help via face time from my niece’s husband Greg so now I’m using the Mac mini with a Dell monitor. Yay!!! I’ve unplugged my ancient iMac and moved it aside.
When I wasn’t setting up the new computer Sunday I was moving more plants in as it dipped down to near freezing that night and we definitely had a frost.
But no rain, all the chances of rain dissipate so now I’m back to watering my yard and Pam’s. I’ve been doing a little maintenance over there, mostly weeding her few flower beds. She swore when she moved into that house that she was done with flower beds, just wanted a few plantings and an herb garden. I scoffed. Little by little a little flower bed appeared and then another and then another, five or six.
When all the family was here I think the grandkids went through some of Pam’s christmas ornaments and took ones they wanted. All her christmas stuff is in tubs in her shed. I need to sort through that stuff now that the immediacy of her death is over, take pictures and canvas her kids and grandkids and see if they want any of it before I donate it somewhere. She had an antique Santa that people have tried to buy off her many times.
It was a month last Sunday that I found her. Has it only been a month? She’s drifting further and further away. I’m a little freaked out when I think about it. Our father died of a massive stroke at 73, the age I am now, my sister at 76. She and I, we expected to take after our paternal Aunt Doll who lived well into her 90s and only died because she got tired of living so this was a cold splash of water in my face. What does that mean for me? Do I only have a few years left? Should I start getting my ducks in a row, preparing like my sister did? Her will and the letter that accompanied it that she started working on after she moved over here was so organized…here’s where this is, here’s where that is, this is what to do about this other, these are the things that are valuable, this book has all the information you will need, etc.; as if she knew somehow. Maybe she did. She was very open to the spiritual world, she saw ghosts unless she walled off that part of her psyche. I wondered if she would appear to me. So far no, not even in a dream, but then I’ve never had that ability to see.
They say one of the stages of grief is anger. I’m not angry. I’m sad that’s she’s gone, I’m sad that she abandoned me. I can’t think of her too much, about how sudden her death, without crying still.
OK, that’s enough of that.
It's eerie, isn't it? Mom died in her mid 60's. Dad went in his 70's. I'm 71, rationally I know I won't live forever, but it's weird. We got the wills done, the POAs, all of that. Ours is really simple, sell it all, split the money between two people and one organization. Feral cats are interesting, you bring them food, they should make the connection that food is love.
ReplyDeleteWe got our wills done with all the attendant documents several years ago, also very simple. the surviving spouse gets it all and then the two kids but maybe I'll work on a binder with incidental info, like all my passwords and accounts and what to do with some personal stuff, things like that.
DeleteThose moments of sadness that hit you like a freight train are said to be normal. I'm sorry you're having to do all this sorting, and it's really good to hear that she had some documents prepared. I have a couple of friends older than I am, and more that are younger. I sometimes feel the urge to get organized and make end of life plans. So far it's only the urge. I postponed getting a plot where I wanted one, and now they're all filled up. That might be a sign...time to consider other options.
ReplyDeletewe cremate in this family and disperse the ashes. my sister was particularly claustrophobic and specified not to put her in a dark hole in the ground.
DeleteIt's only a month. That's nothing after so many decades. It's going to take a while, but you know that.
ReplyDeleteI know. no time at all.
DeletePersonally, you need to have your ducks in a row ... regardless of how old or young you may be! You can do your own Will and get it notarized where you bank! Get your PoAs done up and keep with your Will and other papers. Prepay your final expenses: burial or cremation!
ReplyDeleteSo, when the Big Bus stops to pick you up ... everything is in order! It's a relief to have it all set up!
Life goes on, however, your memories will last as long as they can be brought to mind!!
we do have our wills and attendant documents but I need to make a folder like my sister did with things like passwords to accounts and to get access to my computer and phone. and any particular requests that aren't in the wills. that's one thing she forgot, the passcode for her phone. luckily we were able to guess it after a few tries.
DeleteI’d hug you if I could. Loss is difficult, painful and a part of living. We can get through with a little help from our friends. And people who like us and don’t necessarily know us in person. (Waving from Katy. Be well.)
ReplyDeletethank you. I feel the virtual hug.
DeleteA month is a short time and you have such a rational, practical approach, maybe this is something your sister had too, judging by the preparations she made. It is really admirably thoughtful and loving for her to have done that.
ReplyDeleteI find that sorting through what is left of father's things gives me a sense of calm about my childhood and my difficult family and I often open that box of letters and pictures, and find I spent another hour with it.
When a close friend died several years back, I had regular telephone dates with two other friends (pre face time etc.) where we would remember her and tell each other stories. It went on for almost a year, so wonderful to be able to talk and share with people who knew what we wanted to hear and share, repatedly.
When I was first diagnosed with the shitty chronic disease, I was 41 years old and they told me that with any luck I would make it 60, what with the risks and also the side effects of the drugs. Recently, thanks to better medication etc. this was moved up to "maybe 70", which leaves me with four more years. I still think I'll take after my grandmother - at least to some extent - who died aged 103.
I know that a month is no time at all, that real grief takes years to soften or so I've been told. I guess I'll find out. except for the small things that were taken by family immediately, all her stuff is still there even though the house has two new occupants, my granddaughter and her boyfriend. I can still go over and be amongst the things that she loved. I'm still banking on taking after my Aunt Doll.
DeleteThere is nothing as clear cut about grief or its stages as Elizabeth Kubler Ross first described. That has been proven over and over. Just as there is no "right" way to grieve or even a normal way to grieve. Sounds to me like you are going through it all the exact way I would expect you to. You feel things deeply, Ellen, and yet you are pragmatic and sensible. It makes sense that waves of grief can still knock you back. I would imagine that they will be doing this for a long time.
ReplyDeleteI hope the kittens learn to trust. What happens in early kittenhood has just as profound an effect on cats as early childhood has on us.
I imagine so too. she was the one who knew me, knew all the pain growing up in my house because she shared it. she was so smart and so funny and so talented nd knew how to do everything.
DeleteI think Momcat was dumped when she got pregnant because she is tame and the kittens watch as I pet her and she doesn't pull away. they ran right up to the food in my hands last night but still won't let me touch them unless they are eating. Robin thinks we should lure them into the screened in porch and keep them there until SPOT comes through.
My sister "sees" people, too. Our brother who died years ago visits her often. I wonder if she has seen our other brother, who died just a few years ago. She did not get along on the whole with that first brother, but was so fond of and took care of the other brother. Funny how families turn out, isn't it. As for kitties, perhaps that mama cat was a pet a couple of litters back, and now has learned to live rough.
ReplyDeletewhile her dead husband appeared to her several times and she saw our father once from a distance, the ghosts she saw were strangers and she would not engage them. I think Momcat was a pet until she got pregnant and they dumped her. She's a young cat so I think this was her first (and last) litter as Pam worked with SPOT to get her fixed.
DeleteThe human mind is capable of many things. I am always struck by the people who claim to have seen Jesus, or perhaps more famously those who see the Virgin Mary in just about everything; none of them more sincere, however, than people from other faiths who allege personal contact with their deities. So, it’s not surprising that some “see” people who they knew and loved. I am sure that we all deal with grief in our own way, and you seem to be doing exceptionally well, Ellen. May the passage of time ease whatever pain remains.
ReplyDeleteThe people she saw with the exception of her dead husband, who appeared to her several times until she told him to stop and move on, were strangers and it always unsettled her and she would not engage with them. I think seeing Jesus on a piece of toast is the same as seeing a face on the side of a cliff. I wouldn't put what my sister experienced in the same category. the human mind is complex and I believe there is more to existence than most of us can detect.
DeleteI'm glad you got your computer set up! That's one burden off your plate.
ReplyDeleteGrief really is weird that way - sneaky and yet we have to try to manage it to keep on living.
little things, like I'm going to have to buy soap now. I haven't bought soap in decades because she made it.
DeleteI do love this new computer!
Sounds like you are keeping yourself busy. It's odd how all of a sudden your whole routine changes in an instant. You will always miss her but memories of her are always with you. I talk to my Mom all of the time even tho she has been gone for awhile now.
ReplyDeletehaven't quite got back to regular life. finally fixed a real meal last night instead of just throwing something together and while I'm going to yoga class I haven't been very good about my home routine. mostly I sit and shell pecans. something to focus on.
DeleteI love that you feed those kittens and patiently try to get them comfortable with humans. That is so kind.
ReplyDeleteI think about love and loss... and what it might feel like to lose a much-loved sibling. I read your words and feel your heart grieving. I know I've written this many times... love lasts forever. (NewRobin13)
there's a program here called Barn Buddies, people who want barn cats to keep the vermin down. apparently completely feral cats run off when moved. Momcat is tame so I think she was dumped when she got pregnant. I'd like to get the kittens to let me touch them when they aren't eating before they get placed.
DeleteNever enough of that. Write about it here as much as you need to. We are here, bearing witness with you, bearing witness to your love.
ReplyDeleteI am not an expert on the stages of grief, but I think the expectation that they follow a regular order, one after the other, isn't always true. I think you can feel one and then feel another and then go back to feeling the first. You know what I mean? In any case, just feel what you feel. It's never wrong or bad in situations like this.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the kittens are becoming a little more approachable.
Oh, and bravo on the new computer! That's always a good feeling -- like a fresh start. I need one too.
DeleteWhen I became a silverback, I became less interested in making art and more interested in making artists. You know, the old deadpan military humor of "maybe you should know how to do this in case I get shot in the head".
ReplyDeleteIt is an admission of mortality but at first an unconscious one and then later bubbled up into a purposeful decision, a purposeful act.
That's our glorious purpose, I guess.
I've also become less interested in making art. all my glass casting equipment is old and breaking down and I don't want to replace any of it at this late point. too much expense for just a few more years. thought I would switch to watercolor but haven't really.
DeleteMay I infer that you do not have a will? We did ours a long time ago. The idea that our assets would dissolve into lawyers' pockets as they idly contested an intestacy proceedings kept me awake at night. And now that death has - as it were - moved into our street, if not exactly next door, I sleep more soundly.
ReplyDeletewe do have wills and POAs and DNRs. I'm referring to organizing all the little details of life like what accounts I have and passwords, passcodes to the computer and phone, doctors and pharmacy, list of people who should be contacted. stuff like that.
DeleteAh yes, all those vital details that are so easily forgotten. Our two POAs. - one for each daughter since S didn't want to be responsible for the cash and M hated the possibility of ordering the switch-off - were something of a small nightmare.
Delete