Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I can’t sleep, have not been sleeping well.  This first real week of January has me in a dark mood.  Everything is a chore.  Marc seems combative to everything I say and questions are not appreciated.  He sends me out for paper towels and complains about what I come back with.  He is quitting smoking.  It’s going on six weeks now.  I’m tired of the demands and the faults that are constantly being pointed out.

Winter does not make me happy.  I can appreciate the stark beauty of it, the world at rest but it does not make me happy.  At least not this week of this month.

I’m just trying to get through the days, get as much work done as I can.  I know soon, people will be calling wanting to know when their work will be done and I have no good answers for them.  Do you want a rush job or the best job?

This house here in the city is falling apart.  The city disconnected our gas while we were out at the country house over the holidays, hooked us up to the new pipes.  When we got back in town they sent someone over to turn it on and check for leaks.  All was OK except that a little while later I could smell gas outside.  So we do have a leak under the house somewhere close to the meter.  Great, right when we are getting our coldest weather so far, down in the low 30s at night with an arctic blast headed our way in a day or two sending temps down in the low 20s, so they say.  Getting the leak fixed means no heat for a day or two or however long it takes them to do what they do.  Marc is unconcerned but it keeps me constantly worried.  We’ll turn off the gas and water before we leave and hope it is warmer next week.  We’ll have to turn off the water and drain our pipes because when it gets that cold, broken water pipes are guaranteed.  We’ll have to do that even if we are still here when the front moves in.  Why is it these things always seem to happen when I am least able to deal with them...financially, emotionally, time-wise.

I don’t really know why my mood is so ill.  I know that these days are not really any different from days when I am happy and see the goodness in my life.  Lately I seem to be dwelling on the things I have failed at, the things I didn’t do, the success I didn’t achieve.  I think I have not let go so much as given up.  I have things I need to do and yet I can’t get interested in doing them.  I think it would help if I could get a decent night's sleep and get rid of this headache that ebbs and flows.  It’s tension I think.  I need to get back in the gym, start doing yoga again.  I have let it all slide for the last 6 weeks.

Oh well, this too shall pass.  I know it’s only temporary but in the meantime I am not fit for company.


  1. ellen follow your intuition with the recipe you prescribed of fitness and yoga. it's the hardest thing in the winter to motivate yourself to activate your body - i'm in my early fifties and know that all too well - but it begins what needs to begin which is developing a relationship of care with yourself again. i find that walks are a happy medium as a means of beginning. steven

  2. Sorry to read of these moods and feelings. Yeah, go to the gym and I hope the rest of this week is a good one for you.

  3. Not an easy time when those moody periods strike. I often wonder if perhaps the foul mood is the result of a psychic cleansing going know, how toxins are released by the body if we do a physical fasting or cleansing?
    If that were the case, then it would be easier knowing it and going with the flow.

    Hope the sleep situation improves, that certainly can't help. I think leaking gas under your house is a very genuine reason for angst!!

    Take care.

  4. It's amazing how our exercise levels affect things. When I'm really feeling out of sorts, I realize I've been so busy I haven't had even a half hour to get outside for a quick walk. It's a presecription that really works here. Best wishes for the New Year, Ellen.

  5. Lack of sleep colors everything, and not in a good way. I swear by Excedrin PM (or tylenol pm or whatever). It lets me get a good night's sleep when my mind has other ideas. I used to just toss and turn on nights like that, but no more. Goddess bless whoever invented those.

    (Fireblossom is not a paid spokeswoman! Just someone who needs lots of sleep!)

  6. Try this for your headache. At the base of your skull on each side of your neck you can feel two knots, or extentions of your skull. Press below both of these, close to the skull as hard as you can and hold for a twenty count, release. If it is stress, this should help a little. May have to repeat. I find this does help me, it is sorta acupressure.

    This time of year, to me, makes many things look unachievable, dreary, have the added stress of a smokeless butt and lack of comfort due to the gas leak and etc. But I don't need to tell you that, you just told me!

    All I can say is, it will get better and sometimes worse, before it gets better. I know you are strong, so take a deep breath, center, and do something for you. For a moment let it be about you, not any outside forces, not any commitments, not any problems, just for you.

    Sometimes in our daily life, we forget about ourselves...we must be kind to ourselves or who will get everything done?

  7. I am a snarly old grump myself - lets talk about going to the Pecos! PBS has been doing a series "This emotional life" It is a good insight.

  8. I am pretty crabby myself! I couldn't pay my property taxes on time because I have some renters who are way behind and unconcerned about catching up...... I seem to use sleep as an escape, in fact all I want to do is sleep. Winters are always lean for us and I know that spring will bring the relief we need, but I can't help but wonder why others are unconcerned about paying on time and could care less about the hardship it causes. Yes, I do impose a penalty, but when I need the money and they have promised it......

    Okay, I quit, I am going to go do some push-ups or crunches or something thst will generate body heat and perhaps raise my spirits...

  9. I'm right there with you , sister! Flood in October still not resolved, yard torn up, basement torn up, living out of a box in the middle of boxes, Furnace broke during freeze, carrying around hot water bottles for least we had water and for that I was most pleased...things can always be worse but things can always be better, too. I lean toward the "better" end of it, the worse just pisses me off. I understand your dilema and you have permission to stab anyone who says'
    " things could be worse".

  10. Hmmm - I'm usually grouchy in winter - it's just so darn cold & inconvenient. If I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything I'd be golden LOL.

    I'm seeing a theme in the responses - get your body moving! I'm pretending that they're talking to me - Bug, get with it!

  11. Yeah, I call those my toxic moods--I'm gonna poison anybody I meet, so I hunker down in the studio and force myself to listen to cheerful music. Don't know if it works or not.

    Personally, I think the toxic times are good for me. They kinda clear the pipes and make me appreciate it when they're finally over. But it sure doesn't feel that way when I'm in the middle of one.

  12. This melancholy is upon many of us right now, it seems. If yoga works for you, by all means push yourself to go for it. I so understand sleeplessness and headaches. If you know your solution, grab it. Put yourself first and you'll be able to cope with the rest so much better. Hugs to you, Ellen

  13. Perhaps when we have a blue moon on New Year's Eve, the price we pay is a bit of darkness on the other side? Right now, it's midnight, and I still need to take the dogs out for their constitutional. I can't even get myself off the chair to put on my 4 coats, 3 pairs of socks, glove liners, mittens, wool hat, and scarf. I hear ya, sister. If I hold my hand out, could you give me a little pull?

  14. Ellen! You are entitled to this mood! If ya want, I'll come over there and we can kick January's ass together. I always hate the twin monsters of January and February... and I have nothing to complain about since I live in Florida. Well. I take that back. The "possibility" of snow is being predicted for the weekend here. I think it's coming from Texas. So thanks.

    But seriously... a little exercise may very well be the ticket for lifting some of the doldrums. In any event, do your best, bite your tongue, and give yourself permission to feel what you feel. It really will pass, I promise.

    Much much sunshiny (snowy) Florida love from Casa Hice.

  15. Oh Ellen, you sound like me! Only, the last couple of days my resolve to feel better about things in general seems to be working, but then, (don't hate me), we are living in temps in the 70's, so that's influencing my mood. We moved for a much higher elevation where I spent four years dealing with winter frosts and snow and everything I planted died from exposure, so it's nice to be closer to the coast where I don't have to worry, (maybe every 30 years or so a freak front could move in, but on the whole it just doesn't get that cold.) I see I missed your last post, I'll go read it and see if you're feeling better. ;-)

  16. And yet we'll be here for you, offering support, and loving you anyway. :)

    Hang in there.


  17. Ellen, I'm right there with you on this frigid weather. Gawd, it's awful! Have you ever tried Benadryl, at bedtime? Works great for insomnia! And beef up your iron intake with iron rich foods and/or supplements for the headaches. This will also give you more energy. Hope you feel better soon!

  18. Ellen, I don't know if you drink but a sip of wine might help you fall alseep until you can get to the yoga class, which is really a great cure all, a stroke of brilliance on your part. I am not much of a drinker (I drink so little I never THINK TO drink, lol) but am amazed when I'm tense and I drink just a few sips how I feel things release. Too much and you have that headache compounded, but a little and it helps.

    "Marc seems combative to everything I say and questions are not appreciated. " I tell you, I know this very well and not because there's the understandable smoking recession. It can be very taxing on your psyche. At least it will be over soon, as the poisons leave his body. Still, it will be very draining indeed until then. Having the types of daily life matinence you speak of happens to us all, as we know, but it never makes it better. It is just a royal pain in the ass each time. My cable has been going out. Now the fridge doesn't make ice, when it was fine when I pulled the container out on Thx day to fill the glasses. What did I do when I pulled it out or put it back in that it doesn't work anymore? And during this artic wave the heat quit working in the bedroom... we're in a high rise and are renting from the owners so it's not even like I can call someone myself to fix it.... sigh. You are not alone.

    Today it warmed up and the sun peeked out. It will only get warmer in the next few days. It felt like spring. I hope the temps and rays streaming in your window helped. If you are in town and want to go for a little gab fest ever, give me a shout.

    Hugs, Syd


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