I was 18 the first time I saw god. (And I’m not talking about losing my virginity either, that came a little later.) It was the morning after my prom and I had come down from my first acid trip via Purple Ozley. I was on the beach with my date. We had driven to the coast after all the parties and fallen asleep in the car. Back then you could drive on the beach and it was deserted. I woke up just after dawn and saw the most amazing thing. Everything around me glowed with an inner light...the water, the sand, the driftwood, the morning glories, firewheels and sea oats that anchored the dunes, the sky. This was the connecting light or energy that infused the universe. I calculated the hours since ingestion and decided that plenty of time had elapsed for me to be returned to normal. I wondered if this was my new normal, not quite what I was before. If so it was OK with me.
By the time I was 18, I had rejected the Episcopal church. It took a few more years before I rejected christianity altogether.
I was 20 the second time I saw god. I was living in Chicago, ostensibly going to the Art Institute but in reality cutting most of my classes. One of the things I did during that time was hitchhike to Washington DC for one of the big anti-war demonstrations. During this experience, I, we (my companions and I) met someone (several someones actually) who had a spiritual advisor from India (not unusual at the time) and one of only three of this person’s teachers happened to live in the greater Chicago area. How we met these people and the incredible experience it was is the subject for a different post. Suffice to say it was enough for us to look up this teacher upon our return to Chicago. We arranged to meet this man and four or five of us took the train to his home. As he talked to us this incredibly bright white light emanated from him until it filled the room and the only thing I could see was this man and the light surrounding him. This was not a drug induced vision. I could, if I looked away, see the room but as long as I looked at this small man from India, it was all I could see. Now, I do not believe, and didn’t then, that this man was god. Rather he was the vehicle that god shone through. Over the next year, this man introduced us to meditation and yoga. Never again, after that first evening, did I see his aura but I have never forgotten it.
By the time I had reached my early 20s, I knew that I no longer considered myself a christian. What I was, I had no idea. But thanks to the 13th Floor Elevators, I knew that the kingdom of heaven was within me.
The third time I saw god, I was 22. This time I was definitely on drugs, the finest organic psylicibin in a capsule I had ever had. We had planned to get to the Atlantic coast to spend the day but it came on so fast we were lucky to make it to this beautiful lake surrounded with a forest of evergreens. It was August in New Hampshire. It started with a double rainbow and was a most amazing day. Everything glowed and vibrated and peace and love was in the air.
Thus began my spiritual journey.
"The third time I saw god, I was 22. This time I was definitely on drugs" Fabulous!!! I want that statement framed :0)
ReplyDeleteWho knew you had a better chance of seeing god doped up than not. Hmmmm, may be why I have never seen/felt his presence, but I suspect God and my ex husband must have been greaaaaat friends.
ReplyDeleteLove the pic'.
So many have not seen him.
ReplyDeleteBut your not on drugs now as you write this post, right?
ReplyDeleteOkay, now I want to know more of your journey!
ReplyDeleteIntriguing.... please continue...
ReplyDeleteO.k. you were in your twenties. We all saw something or other.
ReplyDeletePerhaps there would be more "peace & love" if we were all stoned.
ReplyDelete...oh, please continue!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to more. :)
ReplyDeleteYour experiences are both fantastic and enlightening at the same time. for all those who are kind of cynical towards such enlightenments, in truth, we need not look hard to know or see where God is. The mere fact that we are here and are still thriving and living despite the tons of adversities surrounding us is enough proof. To those who fails to see, maybe they do not know exactly who or what they are looking for.
ReplyDeleteIt used to happen to me when I was small, and it was the most natural thing in the world. I can remember the last time, about 15 years ago. Hasn't happened since. I miss it. Great post.
ReplyDelete"Better living through chemistry!"
ReplyDelete;-)
God appears where She will, and to and through whom She will. Lucky you, lady. :-)
Wonderful account - and, yes - please do continue. Have you sustained your meditation practice? Have you found anything from historical religious traditions resonating? When in college, I read Huxley's _Doors of Perception_ which I felt gave me a license to explore chemically-assisted altered states. But I came to feel chemicals were not the best way to develop the "muscles" of connection/perception. More, please!
ReplyDeleteExcellent and interesting post. I have not seen god and am quite happy to remain in that situation. But then I've never tried drugs either, so I'm probably missing out on both counts.
ReplyDeletemy jury's still out.
ReplyDeleteellen, i so saw this coming and of course it's one of those pieces that sends people scattering every which way - especially those who haven't stepped out of the tidy boxes. there's so much that's hidden beneath the surface of our experiencing that needs illuminating and experiencing. wickedgood writing and of course i'll join the clamouring for more but really thanks ellen! steven
ReplyDeleteIf it takes drugs to see god, we might be better off staying in ignorance.
ReplyDeleteIt's something I too experienced as a child, seeing god, not as a fact but as a desire. I longed to see him coming around from behind the altar when I was alone in the church on weekdays. But he never did.
We were brought up on heavy does of St Bernadette of Lourdes. It's not surprising that such stories permeated our psyches. I, like others I imagine, desperately wanted to be like Bernadette, one of the chosen ones.
Go on......
ReplyDeleteDo tell us more. We are listening!
ReplyDeleteEllen...the 60's caused me to search beyond what had been offered to my as "spiritual" by my parnets (read Southern Baptist). I'll see you in your class in Austin in Feburary...we'll need to compare psylicibin induced God encounters
ReplyDeleteOh yeah! My experience of God has always been similar to what you describe. It includes light and the sense that reality, when touched by the divine, becomes undone, becomes unshaped and unformed.
ReplyDeleteI do sometimes think you and I were separated at birth, Ellen. I've seen those bright auras once or twice, and YES the 'shrooms and LSD do change perception, opening the doors to something not quite so concrete.
To this day when I see crepuscular rays, I say out loud, "Hi God!" I bet you do, too!
Sounds like you are my parallel universe sister, I was on the west coast doing pretty much the same thing- Black Ousley, shrooms and realizing that my Episcopal church, though the flowers and music were OK...fell short of any sort of spirtiual awareness.My vision was forever changed...for the better ! I don't think there is a GOD in that Goddy sense, but there certainly is energy which after acid becomes more obvious...we - more sensitive ...it unlocked a major door and threw open the windows!The glow you speak of is residual of the drug...it lasts for the rest of your life and then some! Awesome you!!!
ReplyDeleteMany people never see Him, I love the rainbow pic.
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful day!!!
Oh, how I adore you! :) Girl, you have a way with words!
ReplyDeletePlease do continue....