letting go

I'm struggling with something.

I have a few facts and a lot of conjecture. Throw a little paranoia in there, a little need, both emotional and actual and it's not a pretty picture.

The facts are that the garden club here, of which I am a member, decided to donate a sculpture to the library. I asked to be on the committee. They were looking at cement yard art and catalog stuff.

I suggested we see about getting a real piece of art, like, from an artist.

That was my first mistake.

They asked me if I knew some artists and the more I thought about it I decided I did not want to take on finding or suggesting certain artists and then I thought that maybe my friend who does fused glass and I could do something together with some sort of metal framework.

So I did a presentation to the committee.

That was my second mistake.

I showed them examples of some outdoor uses of fused glass and steel and etched glass, slides and actual physical examples of glass done in different ways, and showed my portfolio. They liked my suggestion of doing etched glass in the side lites and transom around the inside doors to the library. We talked about using the new logo for the library as a jumping off point for the design. They asked me to do a proposal and sketch.

So I did.

That was my third mistake.

While they told me they loved my drawing for the space and indicated to me that they all agreed for me to do the job when I presented my proposal and they were going to set up a meeting with the library and the county, someone or several someones decided afterwards that they should look at another etched glass artist for the work.

My conjecture is that they thought that because I knew the budget, that I was pricing my work to it when in reality, I gave them a big discount because the installation cost was a big chunk. It is my conjecture that they didn't want a member of the club profiting from their gift. Never mind that I am a resident, a member of the club, and a user of the library so that the art and artist would have a personal connection.

The email I got several weeks later informing me of this decision came as somewhat of a surprise and I knew then that I would not be getting the commission. I asked them to not show or describe my design or concept to the other artist as these were proprietary.

Last week, the committee presented the 'anonymous' designs to the club at the summer social for a secret vote even though it had been announced at a previous meeting that I would be submitting a proposal. It was painfully obvious that they had done exactly what I asked them not to do as all three elements of my design were present in the other sketch. I cast my vote and my sister's vote (who couldn't be there) and left. I had no desire to be there during the vote.

The committee chairman called yesterday to give me the results of the vote and it was as I expected. But what I didn't expect was that I would only get three other votes besides mine and my sister's out of 29 cast. I thought it would be a little closer.

I think I would have preferred not knowing the vote count.

I did tell her on the phone that I thought I had been treated unfairly and it was quite obvious they had done what I had asked them not to re my design. She said she was sorry I felt that way, that they appreciated all my hard work, that all they had done was tell the other artist their vision for the space, except that their vision for the space was what I had presented to them. When they met with me, they had no vision for the space. I came up with those ideas.

So now I'm struggling to let all this go. I know who the other artist is and I know they also are struggling financially, like all artists these days, because we use the same installer. I don't want to begrudge them the work and I know that I will be plenty busy soon enough when the purchase orders for these two walls I've been consulting on come through.

It's hard though. It's taking a conscious effort. I'm glad there won't be any more meetings until fall. And maybe I'll still be too busy when they start up again. I don't want any hard feelings to carry over, but damn...

I'm going to hate going to the library now.

edit:  as it happened, I crossed paths with the guy that did the job about three months later, and it came up in the conversation  and he told me that they did indeed show him my design.