I've been working on this post for more than a month, and I warn you, it's long, but I always got stuck towards the end. I didn't want to correlate the rising empowerment of women with the rise of male isolation, hardening of the toxic alpha male personality, and the rising resort to violence. And yet it's hard not to come to that conclusion and I suppose the rise of women's independence does have a part in the current crisis of masculinity, the loss of and struggle to define. However, two new essays have pointed out that this issue, the crisis of male identity, is nothing new and dates back to the late 18th century in this country.
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When Jade was here weeks ago I was telling her about a study on the dating and relationship status of young adults which revealed that 63% of young men in their 20s are single, not dating or in a relationship, as compared to 34% of women in the same age group. There's an article in The Hill about the Pew Research Center study on why/how this has occurred and what it may mean for society (young men are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than young women and young men are responsible for the rise in mass shootings). As young women have become educated and empowered and able to achieve a lifestyle through their own efforts that previously they could only rely on a man to provide, they're no longer so eager to 'get a man' and get married, unwilling to give up their independence. They don't see the upside to the patriarchal structure of most marriages where women work and bring in nearly equal or higher pay and then bear the brunt of the household and child raising or they don't want to 'marry down' to a man with less education and income than they themselves have. All of which is fine for women but it has left men behind when their role has always been the provider and protector, head of the household lording it over the women, being the one with all the power financially, socially, and personally. Instead of evolving to a new partnership along with women that is not based on the patriarchal model, they have become more reclusive and isolated, incapable of a relationship based on equality. As an independent young woman with an excellent income, the young man Jade had been spending time with complained that she didn't need him. No, I don't need you, she told him, why isn't it enough that I want to spend time with you?
So if twice as many young men are not dating who are the women dating? Before I could answer that question when proposed to her, Jade replied, “each other” and that's exactly what the study found, that and older men. Women are going out with women either romantically or because they'd rather go out with a friend than go on a bad date. They are tiring of emotionally distant men and men are seemingly ill equipped, because of our culture and their upbringing, to become more open and empathetic. The article goes on to talk about the decline in men forming friendships with other men. Thirty years ago, 55% of men reported having close male friendships, two years ago that number had dropped to 27%.
Back when women were dependent on men for any kind of life or lifestyle, even the least desirable guys could get a woman. That's no longer true and now these young men who are incapable of attracting a woman, 'incels' (involuntarily celibate), misogynistic men who blame women for their inability to find romantic partners instead of trying to understand why women aren't interested in them and changing their behavior, are even more isolated due to the fact that they have also failed to develop friendships with other men, finding reinforcement via the internet that increases their hostility towards women and the men who can attract women.
Unfortunately our current culture of violence, in general promoted by the far right and the gun culture they cultivate, the toxic hypermasculinity they promote combined with their constant claims that America is being destroyed by the 'libs' (black, brown, other gendered, trans, drag, jews, women, anyone other than white christian cisgendered far right extremist males) has given tacit approval to these isolated and friendless loners to act out their fantasies of revenge. They are the real victims deprived of the life they were intended to have, the life that god himself ordered. If they aren't in control, if they don't have all the authority, if they can't lord it over everyone else, if they can't even get laid, then what future do they have?
The empowerment of women, and not just women but people of color and the other gendered who just want their rights and to be left alone to live in peace, has threatened a segment of men in this country. The older men (and the women who support them because they also see equality as a threat to a life where they are taken care of as opposed to having to be responsible for themselves) see the rise of equality as a threat to their position of power, the position they have had their whole lives while the younger men are left with an uncertain future. Instead of learning to redefine what it means to be a man, they blame women. They lean in to the toxic alpha male where being thoughtful, reasoning, empathetic, compassionate, caring, nurturing is anathema.
This obsession with the definition of masculinity, the crisis of male identity, is not new. In the last week I have read two essays on the subject, Christine Emba's Men Are Lost. Here's A Map Out Of The Wilderness published by the Washington Post and Virginia Heffernan's The Crisis Over American Manhood Is Really Code For Something Else published by Politico. Both long essays are worth the read. While today's problems are real and documented...the labor market has shifted and not in men's favor, women surging ahead in education and income and no longer needing a provider...Emba and Heffernan both write that this obsession with the definition of masculinity, what it means to be a man in America dates back to the 18th century with Heffernan providing a timeline of masculine identity crisis. Both essays, while they cover different aspects, come to the conclusion that, yes, there is a current crisis among American men and boys and only one group is addressing it...the far right and both authors write about current influencers trying to define manhood, trying to lay a path forward, notably Josh Hawley who spoke at the Stronger Men's Conference. Unfortunately those paths are just reinstating religion based patriarchy.
Well, we've been there before and women aren't going back. Perhaps men do need a new definition of what it means to be a man, what a good man looks like, what he thinks and how he acts in this modern world. There is nothing wrong with including provider and protector, both good qualities as are acceptance of women's autonomy and power, building relationships with women based on mutual respect, equality, and pride in each other's accomplishments instead of ones based on the idea that men are intrinsically superior.
Or maybe they just need to get over themselves.
Disclaimer: I do know that many men are not floundering, I daresay even most. In fact all the men I personally know are firmly rooted and aren't at all concerned with their masculinity. Unfortunately there are many who are floundering and they are seeking validation and identity from the wrong people, joining hate based militias or going far down the rabbit hole of social media hate groups until they finally act out in a way that is detrimental to themselves and society at large.
