sometimes once is enough

Friday I went to see about my ingrown toenail. He said first off I have toenail fungus apparently on all my nails (Really? I don't see anything. He pointed out the color, yellowish, and that they didn't look healthy. They look pink and normal to me but what do I know) and that is the cause of the deeply curved under big toenail on my left foot. He could put me on toenail fungus medication for 6 weeks and see if that helped but would not undo the damage already there, he could cut off half the nail and see if it would grow back normal but he didn't think that it would or he could take off the whole nail and let it grow back in. In any case he would put me on the anti-fungal medication. If he removed the toenail I wouldn't feel it (that's what everyone has said) as he would deaden the toe. So that's what he did. This I could not watch.You might remember if you've been reading a while that I gouged my left thigh and needed over 20 stitches inside and out and I watched the whole thing, even took pictures and did a post but this I could not watch. Don't look at your toe, he says, look at me. How about if I just close my eyes I responded. I could feel the pressure and at one point some pain so he had to shoot more deadener. Then he put some stuff on the raw skin to stop the bleeding, some antibiotic ointment, and wrapped it up like a mummy.

He tried to keep me distracted while he worked asking me where I was from, if I had kids, what I did before I retired. He was friendly with a good manner, in his forties maybe, good looking from what I could see (we were all wearing masks), black haired Indian (India) descent, he had the most gorgeous long black eyelashes but obviously born here because there wasn't a trace of accent in his speech. I go back in 6 weeks.

So yeah, it didn't hurt much during the procedure but since the deadener wore off it hurts like holy fucking hell. When it doesn't feel like I'm being stabbed in the toe, it just burns. Sometimes it will settle down and be relatively painless. It's bruised and swollen and hot. He gave me tramadol for pain which I waited til bedtime to take, got up at 3 AM to take another and took another just now. I was hoping it would be less painful this morning but it's not.

I sure hope the anti-fungus med works (also on an antibiotic) and the toenail grows back in normal because I am NEVER. FUCKING. DOING. THIS. AGAIN!

easing in

I finally shrugged off my lethargy this morning and mixed up 9 more colors in the modeling glass, all half batches because I'm still just planning more samples, and now have some mixed up for every color of opaque glass powder that I have, 18 in all. Tomorrow the plan is to make samples of all the new colors and then do some color blends. I'll probably finish the first feather that I started too.

I wrote that yesterday. After the first couple, I was squishing and kneading the ball of powder with just my left hand so as to keep one hand clean for opening the door, turning on the water, and handling the sprayer as I washed off the bowl and spoon (and hand) between colors. The last one or two I had a small pain in my left pinky finger which I ignored as it wasn't so bad and then about 8 PM last night it bloomed into a pain so bad at one point I was wondering if I had broken something in there. Couldn't straighten my pinky completely or curl it completely without extreme pain all the way down to the knuckle/joint in my palm and even motionless it hurt like hell. I finally got up just after I went to bed and taped my pinky and ring finger together which seemed to help. This morning it's much better though still some painful, mostly just an ache.

there's a dog in there somewhere

The dog is still a bit jittery from New Year's. The least little 'boom' noise, and often I can't even hear it, sets her off and if we are out on our walk she's straining at the leash to go go go home.

It finally cleared up yesterday and today is gorgeous too, on a warming trend though with nights in the 30s, which is how my lizard blood finally warmed up enough for me to move around some and get something accomplished.

approval to proceed

I finally got the go ahead for the A&M job yesterday. It only took 4 weeks for the person in charge to look at the drawings and say OK. I've put those 4 weeks to good use working on wax models but now I need to put all that away and get out my drawings and start on the intermediate sized art work...tomorrow. They weren't in a big hurry so I'm not either. 

I think I would like to finish the current model I'm working on first, one of the feathers on the beach pieces. It's fairly simple compared to what I usually do so I think I can get it finished today. It's a long day today, meaning that I don't have any errands or activities scheduled, like Mondays and Wednesdays when I go to yoga at 5:30 and I ran all my errands yesterday.

And speaking of yoga, last night was the first time in weeks that I have been able to do everything, even the headstand. I've been having trouble with my right shoulder, a tight painful muscle that has prevented me from moving my arm in certain ways or bearing weight. I haven't been able to do my daily practice trying to give it time to recover. Last Wednesday it was feeling pretty good but after yoga, my arm hurt so much I was thinking I was going to have to become ambidextrous to the point that I put my right hand in my pocket so as not to use it. Then about 3 hours later I realized my arm didn't hurt AT ALL! Well, almost not at all but felt better than it had in weeks. So whatever we did in yoga unhinked whatever was hinked in my shoulder and now it is pain free.

So, 10 AM and it's already 80˚ in the house. I guess we'll be turning on the AC later since it's supposed to get up towards 90˚ today. We try not to turn it on before June though the last several years we have caved the last week of May. This year, we already had it on twice in the afternoon in late April.

Yesterday evening was really sweet though, not humid, not hot, gentle breeze with puffy clouds billowing up luminous all pale pink and pale blue with the birds chirping and the mockingbird giving forth with his aria and the heavenly scent of the easter lilies and the tallow tree blooms filling the air. 

I puttered around in the yard after yoga til dark while Minnie romped in the 12 Acre Field.

random stuff

Saturday...

Three days before Christmas Eve I was seeing ads for celebrating New Year's Eve. So it goes in America, the land of the 5 minute attention span. Hey, it's almost Christmas, we've just about milked this cow dry...on to the next thing we can convince people to spend money on.

The day after Christmas, that magical day, the most wonderful day of the year where you get your heart's desire; the stores are mobbed with people returning all those thoughtfully selected and lovingly given gifts. One year I would have gladly been in that mob had I not been a child after opening a present that my father picked out...a pink and orange plaid pantsuit.

The radio station that started playing nothing but non-stop Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving is still at it. I'm supposed to have it on in the store and I do...in the other room as far from me as I can get it. Thankfully, it's a crappy radio and it keeps shifting into static which I only discover when I go to turn it off at the end of the day.

Sunday...

Today is Marcmas! Ordinarily we would be going to the movie and out for dinner but because we have the dogs we'll spend a quiet day at home although I think we will be getting a visit from some combination of our daughter and her family later. We'll celebrate tomorrow or the next day depending on what time my sister gets back.

It's overcast and windy and rainy today, the beginning of the end of our warm weather I think. A winter storm is moving south and it's supposed to dip down into the 40˚s this coming week. 40˚s are OK but we'll have to turn on the heater. I still won't have to move the plants in though. Right now they are all huddled against the south side of the house in the crook of an L, protected from the west as well.

Last Wednesday I got up from the couch mid-day and felt a stab of pain in my lower back, the kind of pain that doesn't let you do anything, a reprise of an injury from 13 or 14 years ago when we worked non-stop for 3 months fabricating 10 – 5' x 6' panels for two walls at a hospital. I stressed my back so badly that when done with the job, a week later when I had fully relaxed, I experienced such severe pain that basically all I could do was lay flat on my back. No picking up things or grandkids, no gardening, it was impossible to sit comfortably, and sneezing was something to be avoided. Anyway, I did eventually recover from it and working out at the gym helped bring balance and strength back to my body. I've tried to be very cognizant of keeping my body balanced since then so I was really surprised when this happened for no apparent reason. Fortunately, it is not lingering and while it still aches, it's not that debilitating pain and I was able to do my regular morning yoga routine this morning.

Speaking of yoga, there is a new yoga instructor here in Wharton. She plans to open a yoga studio starting the first week of January, as opposed to just teaching sessions here and there, with real yoga studio prices, more than twice what the lady in El Campo charges but then her classes will be half again as long. I'll probably try her out but because she works full time, her classes don't start til 7 PM (and the one I'm really interested in doesn't start til 8:15 PM). By then, I'm fully ensconced in the house for the night so we'll see. If the studio goes well, she plans to quit her job and then classes at earlier times will be available. It would be nice not to have to drive to the next town for yoga.

Well, the birds are giving me the stink eye so I guess the teacup is empty.

a sudden surprise and a selfie

Fate? Karma? I dunno, but apparently it was meant to happen despite my precautions.

Yesterday, I fell.

The concrete floor of our garage is very smooth and when wet, very slick. Spring and fall are the worst times when it tends to sweat. I'm always very careful when it gets like that because I've almost slipped several times.

So, one day when we were at Costco, I bought a packet of interlocking foam floor pads and laid a trail from the door into the house to the garage door. I had an extra one so I put it at the end making a very skinny 'L'.

yes, it's very messy and cluttered

Yesterday was one of those sweaty concrete days.

Marc had gone into the city to run a few errands and bring back some of the old art work from past jobs (it's quicker to trace instead of redraw something I've already drawn) and he brought back all the tubes of stored drawings.

decades of work and this isn't even all of it. I still have a giant plastic bag full of drawings I haven't organized yet

as well as this small pile

When he got back I was helping him unload the tubes. Now, when I walk, I tend to walk quickly with long strides and solid footsteps. Marc accuses me of stomping around when he tries to take a nap.

So about halfway through, I was headed to the truck for another couple of tubes and I hit that extra mat and something about my speed, stride, and angle of the placement of my foot caused that mat (which I discovered had wet leaves under it) to become un-interlocked and fly right out from under me.

It happened so fast that I didn't even realize I was falling until I hit the concrete.

Being in my 60s, falling is something I try to avoid especially since I was diagnosed with osteoporosis about 10 years ago.

I landed hard on my left side hip with the brunt on the heel of my left hand and wrist. I rolled over on my back, stunned, while I tried to determine if I had broken anything.

The pain diminished pretty quickly thanks to those wonderful endorphins and we got the rest of the tubes unloaded. But about half an hour later, my wrist really began to hurt.

Once again, Marc was off for a pressure bandage and ice and I crafted a sling out of bandanas. is that one of the 100 life skills on the list going around FB, cause baby, I've got that one nailed

By about two hours later, I was in some serious pain from my fingers to my elbow. So much that I finally took one of the narcotic pain pills left over from my snake bite several years ago.

I'm happy to report that it is better this morning, and by that I mean it only aches a little unless I move it still wrapped up in it's bandage. But I am sure now that it's not broken and my hip is surprisingly not painful besides the bruise.

hospital bill

We got our bill from the hospital for the emergency room treatment I received the night I got snake bit.

Right here is a perfect example of why I resisted going to the emergency room.  This is also a perfect example of how our health care system in this country is broken. We are uninsured, though that doesn't necessarily mean unable to pay for general treatment as long as it is reasonably priced for value received.

It's the catastrophic things that would do us in, but as I understand it, the catastrophic things undo you financially whether you are insured or not.

We arrived at the emergency room 6:30ish and they started the process of sending me home about 11:30.  During that time the doctor examined my foot, they drew blood for tests and hooked me up to an IV, started fluids, gave me a tetanus shot,  hauled my ass to the bathroom when I had to pee, gave me the minimum dose of morphine, drew more blood, doctor came in and talked to me, more morphine, and sent me home.

Because we are uninsured, they voluntarily brought us the paperwork for the charity that helps pay for medical care and they did, in fact, pay for most of it, or rather, most of the amount was deducted from the final bill. (I don't know if I will get a separate bill from the doctor, haven't so far, but I do know that that is SOP.)

Here's the bill:

Description                               Unit                                 Amount

Tubing admin 2C6537                  1                                     $119.50

I think this must be for act of giving me the IV

Tubing ext 2 N3378                     1                                      $21.25

this is for when they drew blood the second time

SOD CHLOR INJ 10MLAM          4                                     $81.00 (20.25 ea)

they injected a small amount of sterile saline solution in my IV prior to giving me pain meds and I guess they used it the two times they drew blood as well

HYDROCODONE 5MG                4                                     $37.00 (9.25 ea)

contrast the exact same pills we bought at the pharmacy the next day 15 for $12 (80¢ ea)

VENIPUNCTURE                         1                                     $13.39

the needle for the second blood draw

CREATINE KINASE                      1                                     $233.50

blood test looking for an enzyme or the effects of the enzyme important in muscle contraction

TSH                                             1                                     $337.25

blood test looking for thyroid hormone levels because I am on meds for that but when I get my blood test done at the doctor's office, this test with a cholesterol test usually runs me about $150 including the visit to get my blood drawn

CBC W/ AUTO DIFF                   2                                     $428.00 (214.00 ea)

complete blood count including the different types of white blood cells, done by a machine

PROTIME                                   2                                     $231.50 (115.75 ea)

blood test to determine how long it takes blood to clot

ER VISIT LEVEL 3                        1                                      $962.75

apparently if they take you back and put you in a room you've automatically racked up nearly $1000

IV INF HYDR EA ADD HR          4                                      $762.00 (190.50 ea)

intravenous nutritional fluids which they have listed as 4 but they only used one bag so maybe it's not priced by the bag but by the hour

IMMUNIZATION ADM 1 VACC   1                                      $97.75

I think this is the charge for giving me the tetanus shot, for the act of sticking the needle in my arm and pushing the plunger

KIT IV PREP                               1                                      $46.25

the stuff they used to give me the IV

CATHLON 20GA                        1                                      $66.50

I think this must be the tubing that went with the IV and nutritional fluids

TD INJ, 7YR/>                            1                                      $48.75

the actual tetanus/diphtheria vaccine

MORPHINE 2MG/ML TUBEX     2                                    $19.50 (9.75 ea)

the pain meds injected in the IV

SALINE 1000ML 2B 1324             1                                     $171.75

not sure as there is already a charge for saline solution, perhaps this is the actual stuff and the previous charge listed for was the act of using it. seems pricey for sterile salt water

COMPRE METABOLIC PANEL      1                                   $472.50

blood work for kidney function, liver function, and electrolytes

CK MB                                         1                                    $288.25

another blood test for creatine kinase but more specifically involving the heart muscle as it relates to myocardial infarction

TROPONIN QUANT                   1                                      $295.75

blood test for three regulatory proteins of the heart muscle

FIBRINOGEN ACTIVITY              2                                     $287.00 (143.50 ea)

a blood test for the protein that is essential for blood clot formation

PTT                                            2                                      $293.00 (146.50)

another test to see how long it takes blood to clot

TX/DX IVP EA ADD SAME          1                                      $83.00

some sort of re-do of the item listed below?

TX/DX IVP INIT DRUG               1                                      $323.25

if I've decoded this one correctly it means treatment/diagnosis IVP - intravenous pyelogram is a type of x-ray examination specifically designed to study the kidneys, bladder, and ureters by injecting a dye into a vein. They DID NOT do this.

PATIENT PAYMENT CHECK                                             - $100.00

TOTAL CHARGES                                                               $5,720.39

FINANCIAL MEANS ASSISTANCE                                     - $5,148.35

ACCOUNT BALANCE DUE FROM PATIENT                        $ 472.04

So, my father was a pathologist and I know that these standard blood tests are done by machines. Yes, they need the lab techs to put the blood in the vials or tubes or whatever and put them in the machines and push the start buttons, but these are basically automated actions. There is no legitimate reason for these common tests to cost so much. Judging by the fact that they charged me $9.25 for a pill we paid 80¢ for at the pharmacy and the almost $150 for the tetanus shot and the $337 for TSH (thyroid) that costs me less than half that and includes a cholesterol panel as well when I get it done at the doctor's office, I think I can say with certainty that these charges are way over-blown.  Not to mention the $400 in charges for something I don't think they did.

And they wonder why poor people can't pay their medical bills.

on being bit by a snake

The reason I've been AWOL this week is that Monday evening I got nailed by a copperhead out in the yard. Here's the rather long story.

A few days ago,  I was browsing someone's blog and saw pictures of amaryllis in bloom and remembered that mine had not, so far, bloomed.  I had delayed getting them in the ground last year after I dug them up from the city house last spring and what with the drought and all I wondered if they would bloom so I went out into the yard to check on them.  I had planted them in several locations to see where they might do best.

After checking on the ones I had planted near the new shop, which to my delight had bloom stalks just beginning to emerge, I walked to the back edge of the property where it adjoins the 13 Acre Field to admire the poppies and then over to the bed I put in of rocket larkspur around the peach tree that has reverted to its wild cousin root stock that grows next to the old shed at the back corner where the Wild Space begins, the 30' foot wide or so area of trash trees, underbrush, honeysuckle, trumpet flower and wild grape vines, and poison ivy that separates my neighbor's property from the field.

I was barefoot as is my wont and totally unconcerned as I walk around there quite often and Marc had just mowed the previous day, not that the growth had been high as it was mostly dead thatch back there.  I stepped about a foot away from the edge of the bed, my eye on the amaryllis there at the base of the peach tree when I felt this sudden intense burning stab of pain on my right foot.  

I think I shouted something like, 'Ow!  What the fuck was that!', thinking I must have brushed up against a nettle or something.  Or something.  Why I thought of nettle first thing is beyond me because I know there is none growing there, but that's what first popped into my head.

I had stepped back when I felt the pain and looked down and saw the snake coiled up in a series of compact S's making about a 6" diameter circle before my mind really processed what I was seeing.  I bent over and picked up a stick and poked the brown and tan bundle and it wasn't until then that my brain yelled 'snake!'.  And then, 'copperhead'.  At that point fear and panic took over and with my foot on fire I ran/limped back to the house and as soon as I hit the garage door I started yelling for Marc, 'I've been bit by a copperhead!'

I was hyperventilating by then but Marc got me to calm down somewhat.  My foot still looked unmarked and I could not even see any puncture marks but within a couple of minutes a lump about the size of a half dollar raised up and two little droplets of blood oozed out. 

So being a pair of modern living folks, the first thing we did was google copperheads to see what should be done. It was good news and bad news.  The good news was that copperhead bites are rarely fatal and then only in the very young and the very old or if there is a serious allergic reaction to the venom.  The bad news was that all the sites said it would take about 10 days to recover and to seek medical attention anyway.

Since I wasn't absolutely certain that it was a copperhead, as the common rat snake in these parts look just like a copperhead, and I hadn't had the presence of mind to look at its pupil whereby I could have definitely identified it and I didn't want to go to the emergency room if I didn't have to being uninsured as we are and the Internet said that snakes usually stay within 20 ' of where the bite takes place, I got it in my head that we should go back out there and try and find it.

So, armed with a one gallon bucket (me) and the heavy rake (Marc) don't ask, I have no idea what we thought we were going to do with a bucket and a heavy rake we headed back out into the yard.  My foot was still on fire and the pain was spreading and getting more intense but I could still walk though I was limping heavily.

Of course, there was no sign of the snake by the time we got out there and we really didn't feel like poking around in the nearby concealing underbrush so we gave it up and headed back to the house.  Only by now the pain was so bad I couldn't walk on that foot at all and Marc had to carry me piggy back to the house which was a hilarious sight all in its own as I was barely hanging on by the time we got there.

I was still dithering about going to the hospital even though my foot was becoming swollen and discolored.  Marc helped me into the bathroom so I could wash off the wound and put antibiotic ointment on it and then he made the decision so while he was getting keys and stuff, I crawled to the garage door and then hopped on one foot to the truck after making my two word post on FB.

Since there was nowhere to park at the emergency room door, Marc dropped me off so he could park.  As I was hopping to the entrance, someone inside saw me and rushed out and helped me inside.  No sooner had I sat down in the small waiting area than they had a wheelchair and were wheeling me back to a room where they examined me, drew blood, gave me an IV and started a fluid drip.  About that time I started having shivering episodes and my whole body was tensed.

By now the fiery pain was no longer centered on the bite and was being replaced by a deep throbbing with the burning moving with the swelling and my whole foot was hot to the touch.  The swelling had not even taking over my whole foot yet as my inside ankle was still clearly defined.  The doctor drew the outlines of of the swelling on my foot and ankle to help monitor it's progression, sort of like pushing a stick in the riverbank to see if the water was rising and how fast.

Then there was nothing to do but wait.  For 6 hours.  Flat on my back.  They'd come in and take my vitals now and then but mostly we passed the time with our books which Marc had gone back to fetch.  After an hour or so I asked for some pain medication which didn't do a damn thing for the pain in my foot but did allow me to relax and it stopped the shivering.

About 4 hours after the first blood draw, they came in to do another.  By that time the swelling had traveled about half way up my calf.  The doctor came in and checked my progress and told me that depending on the results of this second blood test one of three things would happen.  They would send me home or they would administer anti-venom and put me in intensive care or they would send me immediately to a bigger and better facility.

As it happened, my blood test showed no damage so they sent me home.  The swelling would continue to increase, he said, and I should be on the lookout for loss of circulation to my foot if the swelling got too bad but that everything looked good, I was to continue to stay flat on my back for a few days and it would take about two weeks to completely heal.

So here I am, camped out on the couch.  By Tuesday morning the swelling had advanced to just below my knee and by Tuesday night it had reached all the way up my leg to my crotch.  Yesterday (that would be Tuesday) I pretty much stayed doped up on pain pills and dozed off and on throughout the day.  Today (Wednesday) I'm feeling better.  The swelling had maxed out and this morning it had started to diminish.  I still can't walk but I can at least get to the bathroom by myself now by scooting along on the floor.

It is still painful, a deep throbbing ache, especially if I try to lower my leg like I might try to stand up and my skin is extremely sensitive to touch so I'm still taking the pain pills but I hope that will be better by tomorrow as the swelling continues to decrease.

Marc has been wonderful, attending to my needs, bringing me food and drinks, fetching me what ever I ask for, getting me to the bathroom and back on the rolling office chair.

Emma, the cat, has also been very attentive, camped out in the rolling chair beside me since I got home Monday night, not leaving my side except to eat and go out briefly to take care of her business and then returning immediately.  She's even climbed up in my lap a few times.  Very unusual behavior for a cat who's idea of affection is sitting in the same room as you.

next:  what I learned about copperheads

hot stuff

Some of you may remember that Marc does the cooking around here. Well, he does the dinner cooking and often provides lunch as well.

Since he's usually had a couple of drinks before he gets started in the kitchen (we eat dinner late), sometimes dinner is, well, unusual. But I always eat what is presented and always say thank you because I am thankful.

And he's become a pretty decent cook.

Fast forward to last night. I was working late filling a mold when he came through and out the back door, flashlight in hand.

Directly he comes back in again with a handful of small jalapenos.

We've been enjoying the peppers off our two plants all summer. He stuffs them with cheese, wrapped with bacon and grilled (or broiled) and they have been really good. Lately though, we haven't been getting much from the garden. The only things left is the okra, bell pepper and jalapeno peppers. As the drought deepened, the fruit has been slow to grow and is not getting half the size of what we got earlier in the summer. Well, except for the okra. It would grow three inches overnight.

When he called me for dinner, he had fixed a pizza with pepperoni, fresh tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, and jalapenos.

Here's a thing you probably don't know about me. I have a sensitive spot in my throat that when something stimulates it it sends me into a paroxysm of coughing and eye watering followed by sneezing and my vocal chords seizing up so I can't talk to reassure people that I am, in fact, not choking for all the world that that's what it looks like is happening and I'm OK followed by more coughing until it finally eases up and goes away.

This is not to be confused with the times when I actually am choking from having aspirated whatever I'm drinking or in some cases the syrup certain candies make when you eat them (weird, I know, that candy wants to get in my lungs) or the time I was just dreaming I was eating candy and my mouth started watering and I aspirated my saliva. Let me tell you, that wakes you up in a heart beat. Things got a little woozy and Marc had to give me the Heimlich.

I think these two things are related in some weird way. Maybe I was hanged in a previous life or was a glutton that finally choked to death. I am a Taurus and I read somewhere that the throat is the body part assigned to that sign. And all my stuff seems to happen in the throat. In addition to the whole choking/not choking thing I have had to have my tonsils removed and my thyroid is cranky about working too hard.

Generally, jalapenos (or really any kind of pepper but hey, oatmeal has done it too) will stimulate this reaction. And usually, once I make it through the seizure, I can eat whatever set it off with impunity.

So last night when I saw the jalapenos on the pizza I didn't really give it a second thought. I'd been eating them all summer and they had only set me off once or twice. And they were small, maybe only as big around as my little finger. I did notice that he had not seeded them. I usually avoid eating the seeds but I shrugged it off.

I'm sitting down with my plate and he's pointing out to me the jalapenos...easy to see and pick out, he says.

Yeah, yeah, I say. I'm not worried.

Famous last words.

About a third of the way through my piece of pizza, I felt that tell-tale little tickle or scratch and knew what was coming. I always know when it's coming and there is no way to stifle it like you can sometimes with a sneeze. Marc shoots me the 'I told you so' look and keeps eating.

So, calmed down I continued to eat thinking I'm good to go now.

About two thirds of the way through my piece of pizza, I thought I was going to die.

I chewed and swallowed the hottest piece of pepper I have ever eaten in my life. My head exploded, coughing, gasping, rivers flowing from my eyes as it continued to get worse. Burning, oh man, burning. I have my head in my hands, wheezing, when he asks me if I'm OK.

NO. I am not 'ok'.

We don't keep milk in the house so I got up and got some salt out of the kitchen and dissolved that in my mouth. A little tea and I felt like I was going to live.

Oh, man. That was seriously painful.

I went and got my second piece of pizza and carefully picked off all the jalapenos.

pain

I've been thinking about pain lately, physical pain, about how invisible it is. Unless you see someone grimace or hear them groan you have no indication that the pain is there. It is a completely internal experience and different people experience it differently. I have a fairly high level of tolerance to pain and my daughter has such a high tolerance to pain that her ectopic pregnancy nearly killed her before she finally hurt enough long enough to go to the hospital.

Those of us who have a high level of tolerance can't, I think, comprehend those that don't.

When my brother-in-law, Mike, first started complaining about the pain in his shoulder and right arm (which the doctors now think was simply arthritis and not damage to his vertebra), we expected he should work it off by being active, loosening and warming up the muscles. We all know the less you do, the less you are able to do. And at first he did. But as the pain spread and intensified, he did less and less until he nearly quit moving at all. And as he moved less and less, I'm afraid we weren't too kind in some of our thoughts judging his actions to be out of lack of effort. Our inability to feel his pain or relate to it caused us to be callous. Of course, we know now that something terrible was going on inside him and we had begun to suspect something dire in the last 6 – 4 weeks.

When we were moving Mike from the recliner to a wheel chair, from wheel chair to front car seat, totally inexperienced in doing this sort of thing (and just where was our advanced wilderness first aid, where we learned how to do stuff like that, when we actually had to do it?) the day we took him to the hospital. The three of us had to lift him up and out and turn him to get him seated. The minute we picked him up, from behind and sides, he started to slide down so that by the time we got him half turned, his seat was too low to get onto the seat and we were having a hard time keeping him from falling onto the floor. It was horrible but we did eventually get him in the chair and again into the car while he cried out and cursed with every small movement. I say horrible for us but we didn't feel a thing. I can't imagine how awful it had been for him.

Now that he is in the hospital and is on real pain management, he's come back to himself a little bit even if his decline has not been arrested. While I stayed with him last night, having slept really all day, he was awake all night. And so was I. Not only to keep an eye on him, to keep him from pulling at his IV or dismantling his heart monitor (which he did in the 30 minutes I was gone for breakfast) or even to help him eat but because these are the last days I will have with him. He's been a part of my family for a very long time and I'm going to miss him.