tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post8093968131639783740..comments2024-03-29T07:35:12.517-05:00Comments on stuff from ellen's head: familiesellen abbotthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00535475792150335186noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-87236057980563059902010-12-06T08:49:33.233-06:002010-12-06T08:49:33.233-06:00Ellen, I am so behind on reading all of your blog ...Ellen, I am so behind on reading all of your blog and feel ashamed at missing visiting you when you are going through difficult times & could use words of support. Family dynamics are many times difficult at best and down-right impossible at worst.<br /><br />Most of us (at our age) have been through the loss of a parent(s). No way can it be easy even under the best of circumstances. Luckily my mother was able to live in an assisted living facility in GA that took wonderful care of her. She had Alzheimer disease but because it is a gradual illness it took some time to detect the problem. My brother & SIL could not care for her on a daily basis & SIL & I found this lovely place for her to stay in a nearby town were they usually go 2 or 3 times a week.<br /><br />For the last two weeks I have been caught up in the illness & other drama of a friend. It is difficult and I have missed my reading you, Reya & others because of it. The good thing for my friend is that she just became eligible for Medicare at the end of October so now she has some options.<br /><br />I hope you are coping and know my thoughts are with you. I won't delay my checking in again. :-) LizzyCheryl Catohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13294358830518520566noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-67228810259422383892010-12-04T20:07:27.810-06:002010-12-04T20:07:27.810-06:00I'm sorry, Ellen. I remember when my mother wa...I'm sorry, Ellen. I remember when my mother was declining from Alzheimer's, a family member kept urging me to do more for my mom and told me that after she died I would always feel like I didn't do enough. But what is enough, truly? What can possibly ever be enough? For some people, there is no end to their neediness, and for others, the tiniest act of kindness is so deeply appreciated. So in the end, I decided that I would not fall into the trap of knocking myself out to "do enough" and that taking care of me was just as important as taking care of her. I still ponder if there's more I could have done, but in the end, I trust that I was guided to do exactly what I was supposed to do. As big and open as your heart is, I've no doubt you did, too.<br />Peace, dear EllenKathleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18372015226222285350noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-58372170023347017122010-11-30T14:29:03.707-06:002010-11-30T14:29:03.707-06:00I had to digest what you wrote for awhile. The rea...I had to digest what you wrote for awhile. The reason is because of my own Mother drama. Your story is so very close to mine. My Mother was always so self absorbed and always professed not to be. Said she was the most wonderful parent ever. That's one of those you say potato and I say bullshit kinda things.<br />Anyway, I too missed out on the ending of the drama because I was still in "protect me" mode. Don't be hard on yourself. You did all you could do with what you had. Life is like a "make do". The older I get the more I realize that given the information, emotional baggage and the job we were put here to do, most all of us are doing great. Learning what we need to, teaching our life lessons to others and sharing the load when we need to.<br />You're a goodie to have posted this. Not easy stuff this life junk. Blessings, The Olde Bagg, LindaOmaLindasOldeBaggsandStuftShirtshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09589622524456973822noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-61964870580120305412010-11-30T13:40:59.489-06:002010-11-30T13:40:59.489-06:00Wow. I need to re-read this, but from a family sci...Wow. I need to re-read this, but from a family science perspective I would say that the karma test was passed. You did what you could with the information and the ability that you had at the time. Families are big mucky messes sometimes and the best we can do is survive, and determine not to repeat the processes with our own families. <br /><br />My MIL is in a beautiful retirement home in Vancouver, WA - I know what you mean about nice places for our elderly vs. horrid garages of death.Nancyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13178290697351352495noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-12134143288752806802010-11-30T08:47:06.023-06:002010-11-30T08:47:06.023-06:00I love reading your blog, I love learning some of ...I love reading your blog, I love learning some of what's going on in your heart and mind.<br /><br />The "should have's" ... try not to go there, OK? It just zaps your energy and doesn't help anything.<br /><br />Everything about the situation with your mother sounds confusing and complicated. How could you have been more caring? What you were was honest. That's the most respectful way to behave in every situation.<br /><br />You did well. Nobody can control the way life unfolds. I salute you. Shalom.Reya Mellickerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13076092659507965666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-13998372647695985812010-11-29T23:47:37.318-06:002010-11-29T23:47:37.318-06:00This sounds like it was very difficult to put to p...This sounds like it was very difficult to put to pen. I so admire your honesty and hope that it's cathartic for you. Hugs to you, Ellen.Hilaryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12787493532006658679noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-43627410572080377752010-11-29T13:01:14.272-06:002010-11-29T13:01:14.272-06:00You feel the way you feel. You can't make your...You feel the way you feel. You can't make yourself feel somehing you don't. If we can say anything (not really ANYthing, but criticyse, too, among other things) about the living, why shouldn't we about the dead? It's about the same people.<br /><br />Writing probably helps. And you're so good at it!Minkahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18372105017807728884noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-88070303976655329212010-11-29T09:23:25.479-06:002010-11-29T09:23:25.479-06:00Cynthia - thanks. I see no point in hiding from t...Cynthia - thanks. I see no point in hiding from the truth.<br /><br />San - I think it was and hopefully it will help me learn to be a better person.<br /><br />Janis - holy cow! How terrible for you. there are some people for whom you cannot do enough. Not that you can't do enough but that they will never be satisfied. Do what you are able to do but not at the expense of yourself or your family. The only way I could have done more was to give up my life, my family, my business and move down there and live with her and still she would have complained about everything. As it was, my business went in the toilet while my husband and I were struggling to repair some (previous) major damage to our relationship. My emotions were stretched pretty thin.<br /><br />Bonnie - While I'm not good about applying compassion to myself (because I know how cold I can be) I do try to be there for the people I love and be as kind as I can to those I don't. Unfortunately, restrained hostility was sometimes the best I could do for my mother.<br /><br />lakeviewer - well, I could have been a little friendlier and less resentful with her but she had no concern for the effect her demands had on other people's lives. We are who we are, yes, and I try to be very up front with who I am.<br /><br />SueAne - oh you are one of the true hearts of the world. The fact was, I could have been nicer to her but I just didn't care.<br /><br />Gail - well, I don't know if I did my best or only what I was (un)willing to do. I don't usually dwell on this, been reading too many daily notes on compassion from the Dalai Lama.<br /><br />Bug - I know you are right but being aware of my failings will make me a better person I hope. Even though my mother was in the best possible place for her she never stopped asking to come home to Texas. But even if she could have traveled, which she couldn't, there was no place here that we would have been able to put her that wasn't a rat hole.<br /><br />TechnoBabe - similar situation different genesis. My mother took one look at me as a newborn and told the nurse I wasn't her baby and get me out of there. (No chance of a switch, I am the spitting image of her sister). She did not like children, I wasn't the son she wanted and she didn't like to be touched and she did some terrible things also in the name of image. I used to be very angry but that's in the past. The thing is, I don't wish I had treated her better for her sake so much as for mine. clearly I still have work to do.<br /><br />Joanne - thank you. I guess my only other choices would have been to move down there with her and abandon my family and business or physically force her out of the house. couldn't do either.ellen abbotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00535475792150335186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-32208747579005157412010-11-29T07:31:05.945-06:002010-11-29T07:31:05.945-06:00I'm not sure I agree with you that you should ...I'm not sure I agree with you that you should have done a lot of things differently. People make their own choices in their lives, all with their own set of repercussions and results. Your mother made her choices on how to live, and you responded the best you could. I wouldn't second-guess those decisions with hindsight.Joannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03972054718663959694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-62749601577759337282010-11-29T06:45:58.952-06:002010-11-29T06:45:58.952-06:00Just because someone is a relative does not mean y...Just because someone is a relative does not mean you can have deep feelings for them. Speaking out as openly as this post is written is what I strive for. Just telling things like they really were and are, not writing cutesy stories just to get lots of comments. Give me a break. I so relate to your situation with your mother. My mother has told me on many occasions that I would not nurse from her and have stood off from her ever since. She was not someone I felt safe around as a very young child and she set me up in some ways to be in harms way. She is an older woman now and prefers to live in denial of most things of her life. My brother has so much anger toward her but my anger has been dealt with. Reading this post has been interesting for me because I don't automatically jump to the things between me and my mother; I read your account and have an understanding for why you didn't feel close to your mother.CiCihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08615265608675467505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-67242430674503324232010-11-28T19:30:58.774-06:002010-11-28T19:30:58.774-06:00Oh, and after spending the weekend with my aunt fr...Oh, and after spending the weekend with my aunt from Chicago, who seems to be emotionally stuck in her 20s when she was a resentful bride from France - I think your growth in the matter is amazing!The Bughttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07509037206264761261noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-52384577287394177472010-11-28T19:30:01.620-06:002010-11-28T19:30:01.620-06:00This story reminds me so much of Dr. M's mothe...This story reminds me so much of Dr. M's mother - she had all of that plus had been compulsively spending so much money that they nearly went bankrupt. She's in a nursing home now and we are somewhat glad that she doesn't seem to remember things from day to day - so she's stopped asking to go home. <br /><br />It's really hard - and we can't be there. And yes, Mike beats himself up for what he can't do. But you can't do what you can't do. That's all there is to it. And that includes what you can't emotionally deal with.The Bughttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07509037206264761261noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-22076054361883552432010-11-28T19:14:38.532-06:002010-11-28T19:14:38.532-06:00We all think we could have done more, felt more, l...We all think we could have done more, felt more, loved more...it is a curse.<br /><br />Every day I think shoulda, coulda and would drive myself insane with it but you have to let it go. You did your best and that is all we can do.Gailhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04219479223227928561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-33944446635971873422010-11-28T16:52:53.908-06:002010-11-28T16:52:53.908-06:00You are brutally honest and a bit too hard on your...You are brutally honest and a bit too hard on yourself! You did the best you could at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20! <br />Gentle hugs to you<br />SueAnnSueannhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05299288406218968621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-91578172828760375002010-11-28T16:49:46.493-06:002010-11-28T16:49:46.493-06:00Oh Ellen, this must not have easy to recollect. Yo...Oh Ellen, this must not have easy to recollect. You were both strong and honest with her the whole time. We are who we are and people who love us will put up with us or let us be.Rosaria Williamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03133147851332084180noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-15389636294250607302010-11-28T14:50:35.437-06:002010-11-28T14:50:35.437-06:00Hi me again. Just noticed all the typos and SP er...Hi me again. Just noticed all the typos and SP errors in my previous comment. Apologies.Bonnie Zieman, M.Ed.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00282469017360136275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-74110978151941340252010-11-28T14:49:34.228-06:002010-11-28T14:49:34.228-06:00Brilliantly and brutally honest here Ellen. It is...Brilliantly and brutally honest here Ellen. It is refreshing to here someone review the past without spinning it to salve their ego-needs. That being said, it is good to remember that just as in any drama their and roles and in the family drama we are often 'assigned' (with no words spoken) our roles. We may grow beyond the roles assigned, but often the moment we step back into the drama we unconsciously are under pressure to resume the role. Perhaps the compassion you feel you could not muster for your difficult mother, could now be applied to her conscious and conscientious daughter. (And I'm not referring to your sister! :-)<br /><br />You have set a nice example for us all - to look back dispassionately and honestly at our past. While we can't redo it, we can decide how we will proceed with those we love now.Bonnie Zieman, M.Ed.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00282469017360136275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-24142745089012567922010-11-28T14:41:00.038-06:002010-11-28T14:41:00.038-06:00oh sweetie... I understand more than you can imagi...oh sweetie... I understand more than you can imagine! Im not there yet, but struggle so much with my Momma & Dad Drama. I want to help, but they only want help that they see fit, not what we offer. I have a father that blames me for much of their misfortune and misery (what a joy it was when he called me right before his 4th suicide attempt blaming me). A mother that seems to love the center of attention, & is bipolar & manic.<br />I worry that I am not doing enough, I worry that I will have regret. But I also have to take care of myself & my family.<br />I appreciate your honesty. Your words, help me to know that it is okay. Love to you Elen♥janishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18424946398926069813noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-21347111919470923232010-11-28T13:54:31.124-06:002010-11-28T13:54:31.124-06:00Such heartfelt observations. I hope it was healin...Such heartfelt observations. I hope it was healing to write this. I find a measure of healing in reading it, Ellen.Sanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18245301334922883500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-447321916012029979.post-33079569666437146302010-11-28T13:45:58.961-06:002010-11-28T13:45:58.961-06:00Boldly and brutally honest. I admire you more for...Boldly and brutally honest. I admire you more for this than I have the ability to express.Cynthiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14338712273383751320noreply@blogger.com