Saturday, August 14, 2010

together


August 14th, 1976
I was 26 and he was 24
that's beer in our champagne glasses



Today is our 34th anniversary.

You would think that if someone has lived with you for 34 years that they would know you, right?

Granny hates to cook,” he tells our grandson.

No I don't,” I say. “I like to cook. What I don't like is cooking and having to do the dishes both.” Since doing the dishes is my chore, I don't often cook or rather, I don't often cook dinner. At least not since several years after the kids grew up. I fix breakfast nearly every morning and sometimes I'll fix something for lunch if we don't have any leftovers. But dinner? Nope. Unless the grandkids are here.

It's not the first time he has made a statement to others about what I think or feel about something that has been totally wrong.

The above exchange got me thinking about how and when we form our opinions, our ideas of who people are. How many of his ideas, thoughts, assumptions, knowledge of me were formed years ago? How much of me in his mind is outdated, held stagnant in an opinion codified long ago, resistant to change, blind to my changes? How many of my opinions of him are old and no longer relevant?

We have different styles, he and I. I've got my head in the clouds and he's got his feet on the ground. I think that accounts for much of the clanging that goes on. I'm an optimist. I get an idea and I want to just dive right in solving problems as they arise, if they arise. He's a pessimist (although he does not agree with me on this). He wants to dissect every idea I get, take it apart, tell me all the flaws, every reason why it won't work or can't happen until all the fun is gone out of it for me. He wants to problem solve in advance and I want to go for the spontaneous adventure. I get frustrated and lose interest because what I want is a little enthusiasm for whatever hare-brained idea I've come up with, not a litany of why it won't work. He doesn't want to get started on something unless he has a plan and gets annoyed by my impatience.

We don't talk much either. We are mostly companions in silence. Heartfelt discussions are best had with sisters or friends. In this way we probably don't know each other very well. Talking about our personal feelings never did us any good, usually leading to fights. But here we are still together, all day every day. We've racked up more hours together than most marriages. No parting ways in the morning to our separate jobs and then spending a few hours together before bed. No, we share our lives 24/7 albeit mostly in different rooms these days.

There was a time when we were inseparable, joined at the hip. When we sat, we sat touching. When we showered, we showered together. When we slept, we slept on one pillow. When parted it was painful. Over the years we migrated to different chairs, began to shower at different times, added a pillow or two and for a number of years engaged in separate activities that parted us gladly. We had a span of years that almost parted us permanently.

But here we are, together for longer than we had been alive when we met. We are companions, friends, partners, lovers. We have raised kids, built a business, made choices and survived more than one maelstrom. I can't tell you why. We have just persevered. Maybe we are just habits. Maybe we accepted at some point that no one is perfect least of all ourselves. Maybe we prefer the jerk we know to the one we haven't met yet. Or maybe, it's because we can still make each other laugh, that we still believe in the feeling when we first met. Maybe it's because with every passing day, week, month, year we are even more intertwined.

Maybe it's simply because we are devoted to each other.


28 comments:

  1. Congratulations! 34 years, WOW! I hope to say that one of these, um... upcoming decades.

    You too are sure made for each other, and you have 34 years that show just that. I'm like you, with my head in the cloud. I believe there is nothing I can't do, and there are times when I need a bit of grounding, maybe you do too and that is why life send you a pessimist to share your existence with. That way, you won't get in too much trouble.

    Congratulations again!

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  2. Congratulations!

    As I see it, you are perfect for each other. All the differences make for one complete whole, you add the laughter and lightness, he add the gravitas and being grounded.

    Did you not realize this?

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  3. You've described my marriage Ellen, and you made me cry. My marriage is about devotion, commitment, friendship...sharing the same path, but not being attached at the hip.

    I loved the telling of the mistaken notions, and the orbiting in the same space in silence—perhaps for days on end. It looks like my marriage, and it looks good, easy, healthy, workable. Walking the same path together works for me.

    Congrats on 34 years of a partnership. Thanks for telling it so well.

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  4. ellen congratulations - on the anniversary, for your perception of your marriage, for your ability to so clearly express and accept your perception of your marriage and so much more. we're approaching twenty years and it astonishes me how much more patient and understanding and connected we are despite being entirely different and coming from such different worlds. as friko suggests, perhaps that is what keeps us connected. the difference. steven

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  5. Congratulations! Our 20th is in December - & we had almost exactly that same conversation the other day. About mayonnaise of all things. I've been buying Miracle Whip for years thinking he preferred it - only it was me who wanted it in the first place. He'd rather have Duke's (which we can't get up here in Ohio anyway). LOL. How many other misperceptions do we have? I'm almost afraid to go down that path...

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  6. And this, my friend, is why I keep coming around and why I love you.

    You are so eloquent. Have a special day.

    And thank you for summing it up perfectly.

    Congratulations. :) SkippyMom

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  7. Excellent insight- intuitive of , I should think, most marriages...Your husband sounds very familiar and if I had a choice I would choose to marry you, keep that in mind if you ever split up.Head in the clouds- yup, spontaneous and "just get the job done"- yup. Your photo is so sweet, love the beer in champagne glasses. very cool, you two!
    Wonderful post, Ellen. Thanks for giving something to think about for the rest of my married life, it's been 25 years - still haven't figured it out.

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  8. Congratulations and thanks for speaking the truth of longevity. I believe you will make it a hundred more!

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  9. I like it an awful lot when you step away from the minutiae of your life and write posts like this.

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  10. Well said. You have the courage to say what many just think about. It is amazing that changes happen so gradually that sometimes we don't notice. Those long partnerships have discovered that we all have our imperfections. No matter who we marry, they will exist perhaps just different flaws. No one can stay in the euphoria stage forever, and companionship comes from shared experiences. Happy anniversary to both of you.

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  11. Congratulations on 34 years!

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  12. I love your mind. I love that sometimes you crawl into mine and let me see it for what it really is....the truth.
    So let's raise our glasses(beer or whatever suits your fancy)and toast to longevity and devotion and knowing that simple is good.
    Congratulations on 34, well spent years of living life authentically.

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  13. Ellen may congradulations on finding a winning formula!

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  14. Congratulations!! What a beautiful tribute to your marriage and each other..here's to the next 30 years!

    best-c

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  15. Happy Anniversary to you both!! I know exactly what you mean. I asked my man what he saw when he looked at me just the other day and he said he saw the girl he married. Good answer, but I doubt that is really what he sees (I do look in the mirror).
    Love the photo of you as two youngsters just starting out!

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  16. Congrats on 34 years. It's hard to unravel the threads - and tho' there may be knots in the tapestry it is unique and beautiful.

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  17. Congratulations! I know how you feel....we work together too. 26 years on Aug 18th, and still hanging in there.

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  18. Happy Anniversary!! Beautiful post. I raise my glass in a toast for 33 more wonderful years! xx

    (ours is this month, too...33 years on the 20th!)

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  19. You know Ellen, after spending 6 very intense days with you guys, my observation was that y'all are so very different and at the same time seem to have truly found your rhythm.

    As a middle-aged newlywed (our 3rd anniversary is in January), it's entirely possible that I'll never experience 34 years of marriage...so I observe other long-time couples with great interest.

    My conclusion: happiness is a choice we each have. It has little to do with material possessions or personal achievements or success (however you define success). It's just making the decision to be satisfied with your life. And that includes the person you choose to share it with.

    You and Mark are great teachers. You figured something out that many people never get. Your devotion to each other is remarkable.

    Happy 34th! Here's to another 34 happy years to come.

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  20. c
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    a
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    .... agneta, the swedish one ;)

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  21. Congratulations!!! Great achievement!! We are 36 years this year! (in July) and better than ever. We are still best friends and that is a treasure.
    Sounds like you are with your best friend too!!
    Cheers to another 34 years!!
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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  22. Wow, that whole optimist/pessimist section reminds me so much of my mother and me. By the time they're done, Van Gogh would give up painting and go to work in a factory.

    Nonethless, I love the last line, that you are devoted to each other. There's much to be said for that.

    And....you look like an old time movie star in that picture!

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  23. Congrats on your 34th! Love that pic and and that word, "codified". Perfect description of my ex's stagnant opinions of me. lol I admire you for overcoming the differences and wish you many more years of marital bliss. Cheers!

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  24. Wonderful photo. You express so well the dynamics of a relationship which grows with its joys and challenges.

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  25. Congratulations!
    I hope it was an excellent anniversary!
    : )

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  26. Simply beautiful. The picture and the story. I think relationships just... evolve. And that's a good thing!

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I opened my big mouth, now it's your turn.